Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Randomize
