That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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