break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
