birth control should be required to get into college
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
