Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
false alarm. still invincible.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
