what day is it and did you see me today?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize