remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
