im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
