You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
