I'd wear matching sweaters with you
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
