My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize