I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
