Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
