I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
babies were throwing up all over the place
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
