Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you mean i was at the winter classic?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
