I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
