My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
