Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
