Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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