I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
