1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
