i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
