Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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