You smell like a Billy Joel song
I am midnight drunk by noon
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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