I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
