Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize