tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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