I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
