1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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