Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
