apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize