Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
