Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize