There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
