If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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