He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
