And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
