Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize