were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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