Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
