Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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