I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
