Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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