It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
