I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
