I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
