My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
