Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
