hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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