I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
