U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
