I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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