So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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