i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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