i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
