I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
