Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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