If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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