who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
