when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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