i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
