You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize