I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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