fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
