Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
