I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
