I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Randomize
