cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
