my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
