you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
