I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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