maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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