When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
