Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
