I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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