I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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