just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
time to smoke my breakfast
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize