If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
